Premise: Jupiter Ascending follows the story of Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who is working as a maid when she is visited by an alien warrior named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). Jupiter learns that she is the heir to the throne of a planet that is in the grip of civil war, and must stop a tyrant (Eddie Redmayne) who wants her dead.
Right from the time it was announced, I was skeptical about Jupiter Ascending. Its directors, Lana and Andy Wachowski, have been in a slump for over a decade, with their writing credits on V for Vendetta being the lone bright spot since the end of the Matrix franchise. I was even more worried when the movie was pushed back seven months from its intended release day. However, I believe every movie has potential to be good, so I went to see it. Sure enough, I was completely right to be worried. This movie was nothing short of disastrous.
Pros: First, I’ll give credit where it’s due. Like most Wachowski movies, the visual effects are fantastic. Sure, there are a few times where the CGI falls flat, but the Wachowskis and their crew show that visuals are their greatest strengths. When we get to Jupiter, we get to marvel at all the glorious looking characters, landscapes, and sets that only masters of CGI-art can create.
There’s also some decent humor. I didn’t expect it to have any, but there were a few bits of clever dialogue that put a smile on my face, at least when the movie wasn’t unintentionally funny. Sean in particular manages to salvage some of his lines and make them sound clever.
Cons: Unfortunately, that’s all the good things I have to say about Jupiter Ascending. If you take away the stunning visuals, it’s a pretty terrible movie. The worst part was probably the acting; everyone from top to bottom was bad. It was pretty disappointing seeing Channing Tatum, who’s come so far from his Step Up-days, fumble after a hot streak. But the worst was the Oscar-nominated Eddie Redmayne as the evil Balem. He was so bad in this movie that I now think his chances at winning Best Actor for The Theory of Everything might be all but torpedoed. I don’t blame the actors. Most of them are talented and have give good performances before. The blame lies with the Wachowskis, who have shown multiple times that they’re better at directing visuals than people.
What’s more, the story is a complete mess. The first problem is that it’s too long. Some movies are perfect at 90 minutes, others at 190 minutes. But at a little over two hours, Jupiter Ascending felt bloated. There’s also way too much going, with the civil war, political intrigue, and messianic archetype elements cannibalizing each other. This leads to a story that’s needlessly complicated when it should have been a lot tighter. Finally, it’s filled with cliches that show up in pretty much every other space opera. When Mila Kunis said the movie was going to explore themes of “hubris” and “consumption” I thought she was overselling it. Now I know that if she put money on that claim, she’d be broke by last Friday night.
Even a lot of the action was lame. There were a few good fights, but most of them were boring and poorly directed. Come on, Wachowskis! I expect you guys to at least do that right!
Verdict: I desperately want to like the Wachowskis. Bound and The Matrix were great movies, and I’m still not convinced that they were just flukes. But it seems that they lost their touch a long time ago. They had already failed with Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas, and now Jupiter Ascending is getting negative reviews and doing weak business. It’s going to take a lot to revive their careers, but that revival is looking increasingly unlikely.
Score: 3/10